YourADog

Domestic Violence

Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

Has your partner ever...

• hit, grabbed, strangled, bitten, burned, slapped or pushed you?
• used a gun or knife or some kind of weapon against you?
• hit you with some object like a bat or pan or belt?
• hit, held or squeezed you so hard that it left a bruise?
• threatened to hurt or to kill you or your children or your friends?
• withheld money, food, medicine or transportation from you?
• called you names, made you feel ashamed of yourself, humiliated you?
• put you down in front of your children, your friends, your boss?
• forced you to have sex when you did not want to?
• forced you to perform sexual acts you did not want to?
• destroyed or broken your possessions?
• threatened to harm or kill himself if you do or don´t do something?
• abused or killed pets?

Statistics of Domestic Violence

• 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime
• An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year
• 85% of domestic violence cases are women
• Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence
• Most cases of domestic violence are never reported

Drugs and Alcohol

Substance Abuse and Intimate Relationships

It has long been known that marriage (or other long-term, committed relationships) and substance abuse don´t mix. Having a partner who drinks too much or uses drugs is very much like throwing a stone into a still pond: the effects ripple out and influences all that is near. In the case of a partner who uses drugs or drinks too much, the effect is felt by his or her children, relatives, friends, and co-workers. However, many would argue that, aside from the abuser, the greatest price is often paid by the abuser´s partner.

What are the costs? Couples in which a partner abuses drugs or alcohol are often very unhappy; in fact, these partners are often more unhappy than couples who don´t have problems with alcohol or other drugs, but who seek help for marital problems. As drinking or drug use gets worse, it starts to take more and more time away from the couple, taking its toll by creating an emotional distance between the partners that is difficult to overcome. These couples also report that they fight and argue a great deal, which sometimes can become violent. It is often the fighting itself that can create an environment or situation in which the partner with the drinking or drug problems uses these substances to reduce his or her stress. When the substance use eventually becomes one of the main reasons for fighting or arguing, what we see happen is a vicious cycle, in which substance use causes conflict, the conflict leads to more substance use as a way of reducing tension, conflict about the substance use escalates, more drinking or drug use occurs, and so on. Couples in which a partner abuses drugs or alcohol have a very difficult time getting out of this downward spiral; fortunately, we also know of proven ways to help these relationships and, in the process, help the substance abuser recover. So, if you or your partner is having a problem with alcohol or other drugs, there is hope.

When Drinking or Drug Use is Harming the Relationship

There are several tell-tale signs that drinking or drug use by a partner is causing harm to the relationship to the point that help from a treatment professional may be needed. The following are some of the common danger signals often seen in couples in which a partner has a substance use problem:

• Many arguments about drinking or drugs use or things related to drinking or drug use, such as money problems, staying out late, not taking care of responsibilities in the home, and so forth
• On different occasions, having to "cover" for a partner who has been drinking or using drugs too much by making excuses for him or her, such as reporting to a boss or co-worker that the substance user is "sick" and won´t be at work as a result
• A partner reporting that he or she drinks or uses drugs to reduce tension or stress related to arguments and fights in the home about alcohol or other drugs
• Drinking and drug use is the only or one of the few things the partners like to do together
• Episodes of domestic violence, or "angry touching" by either partner when a partner has been drinking or using drugs
• Finding that one or both partners need to be drunk or high to show signs of affection or to talk about the problems in their relationship
• The relationship or family as a whole becomes isolated from friends and relatives to hide the drinking or drug problem
• Although most couples will not show all of these danger signs, if even one of these is present in your marriage or relationship, it indicates that it may be time for you to "take stock" of the relationship and think about making it better. That is likely to mean that drinking and drug use will need to stop and the problems in the relationship will need to be identified and addressed. If you or your partner are showing signs of having a problem with drugs or alcohol and there are problems in the relationship, it is common to hope these things will take care of themselves over time. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. The better thing to do is to get treatment as soon as possible, or at least call and ask about treatments that may be available to you. If you don´t, the problems are very likely to get worse.

Can Treatment Help?

There are many different treatments available that can be effective in reducing or eliminating problems with alcohol or other drugs. Some treatments involve individual counseling, others involve group counseling, and still others involve self-help meetings and support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotic Anonymous. So, if you have a problem with drinking or drug use, it is worth it to enter treatment, not only for you, but also for your partner, children, friends, and others. If your partner has a problem with drugs or alcohol, getting him or her to enter treatment may be one of the best things you can do for him and your relationship.

But what if your partner has a drinking or drug problem, but does not want to go to treatment or seek help, because he or she does not think there is a problem or because he or she does not want to be involved in counseling? This is a very common problem. It turns out that alcohol and drug abuse treatment programs have help for concerned family members and work with this very issue. They can give you ideas and information on motivating your partner to consider getting help; these approaches are often very helpful in getting family members who are reluctant to seek help to ultimately enter treatment.

But What About Our Relationship?

Many treatments for individuals who have a problem with alcohol and other drugs will include the partner in some way. Research has shown that involving partners in the treatment at some point can be very important in helping the treatment succeed. It is also very important that the problems in the relationship be treated; these problems do not go away because the drinking or drug use has stopped. Many couples are both surprised and disappointed that they continue to have many fights and arguments after the substance abuse has stopped.

The important point here is substance abuse by a partner causes damage to the marriage or relationship and these problems need to be treated, too. If the issues in the relationship are not treated, they can set the stage for continued conflict and, in turn, relapse to drinking or drug use. Thus, lasting recovery from substance use depends, in part, on making the relationship better. Eliminating drinking or drug use is only the starting point; once sobriety is attained, a supportive caring relationship can be one of the strongest factors in making that sobriety last.

Cheating

Signs your partner are cheating

1 - When they no longer want sex or makes excuses to not have sex.
2 - When they will not allow you access to their computer or they suddenly shut down the computer when you walk into the room. They may password protect their laptop or computer to keep out suspicious eyes. Or they stay up to "work" or "play a game" on the computer after you go to bed. Excessive internet usage, especially late at night, is a red flag.
3 - When they begin to put distance between you or show a lack of interest in what has been the routine with few, if any, excuses for the change in their behavior.
4 - When they suddenly have to work late and have all kinds of new obligations that take them away from home repeatedly or for long periods of time. Or. . . they tell you they are working longer hours and discontinue allowing you to view their paycheck or pay stubs.
5 - If your loved one works with people, such as at a bar or restaurant especially as a waitress or bartender they might suddenly tell you not to visit them at work. This usually means they are hiding something at their workplace whether it be with a co-worker or a regular customer such as at a bar.
6 - When they suddenly need a cell phone or pager and you are discouraged from ever looking at it or using it. They also may make certain their cell phone or pager cannot be answered by you by hiding it or taking it with them wherever they go. They are secretive about their cell phone or pager bill and pay it themselves when you have always paid the bill in the past.
7 - When they arrive home smelling faintly of perfume/cologne or another person´s body.
8 - When they arrive home and head straight into the shower or bath.
9 - When they have lipstick or strange hairs on their clothing or in the car. Finding strange phone numbers, receipts or condoms can also be clues.
10 - When they suddenly begin to treat you extremely nice; more so than usual.
11 - When they begin to make "kinky" requests or suggest wildly erotic play during sex including things you have never done before. They may also show an increased interest in sex or sexual things, including porn.
12 - When they talk to you they treat you abusively or with disdain, disrespect or excessive sarcasm. They may also demonstrate an unexplained aloofness or indifference in the relationship. Or. . . they may begin to find fault in everything you do in an attempt to justify their affair.
13 - Her: When she gets spiffed up and dresses provocative to "go grocery shopping" or to "get her hair done." She may also show up with a sudden change of hair style. Him: When he showers, shaves (cologne, deodorant, etc.) and dresses up more than usual to "go out with his buddies" or to "go fishing."
14 - When they break their established routine at work and home for no apparent or logical reason.
15 - When they become suddenly forgetful and you have to tell him/her everything several times; their thoughts are obviously elsewhere.
16 - When they are always tired or demonstrate a noticeable lack of energy or interest in the relationship.
17 - When they begin to intentionally look at or flirt with the opposite sex when in the past, this is something they would not have done.
18 - When you notice that they are reluctant to kiss you or accept your affection.
19 - When they ignore or criticize your affections and thoughtful ways. Example : "Why are you so luvy duvy? I´m just not like that."
20 - When your phone bill shows an increase in unexplained toll or long distance charges. Often when a partner is acting too close or flirting with a best friend of the opposite sex, you will find their phone number listed excessively.
21 - When the passenger seat in the car has been changed and is not in the usual position or the mileage on the car is more than usual. Also increased gas purchases that are inconsistent with the amount of miles on the car.
22 - When they begin to keep a change of clothes hidden in the trunk of the car or an unusual amount of clothes changes at the gym.
23 - When you notice credit card charges for gifts (such as florist or jewelry) that you didn´t receive.
24 - When they begin to make sudden and excessive purchases of clothes or an unexplained change in clothing style. Beginning to purchase sexy underwear or lingerie may be a clue.
25 - When you notice an increase in ATM withdrawals. Cheating costs money! To play you must pay!
26 - When you notice that your partner loses their ability and desire to show the children the attention they need or a lack of desire to do any fix-ups around the house, e.g., lawn care, painting, cleaning the garage, house repairs, etc. They might turn this around on you at the same time and accuse you of never doing anything or treating the child/children badly.
27 - When you notice an increased attention to losing weight or paying more attention to their appearance.
28 - When they begin to volunteer to go to the post office, rushes to check the mail before you do or opens up a new P.O. box perhaps without even telling you.
29 - When your partner shows up without their wedding ring or suddenly stops wearing it and makes lame excuses as to why. This also goes for jewelry you might have purchased for them and you catch them not wearing it when they go out when usually they wear it at all times.
30 - When they get mysterious phone calls or when they hurry to answer the phone, leave the room to talk on the phone and when you ask who called, they say, "No one", "Wrong number", or "Why do you care?"
31 - Simple trips, such as to the grocery store or bank, take hours rather than the time it should take.
32 - Your loved one suddenly deletes all emails from the computer where as they used to accumulate. Same goes for calls on the cell phone or caller ID.
33 - Your loved one seems to pick fights or finds reasons to fight only to stomp out of the house and away from you.
34 - You find a diaphragm, condom, birth control, etc., however, you have had either a vasectomy or she has had a tubal ligation.